Clara doubted that but needed to give ''Nana'', which she fondly called her grandma, some kind of assurance that she'd truly be fine. She had not heard her grandma knock and open her room door. With a forced smile, she turned around and held both her shoulders. "I'm fine, Nana. I just sometimes don't understand how a mother could leave her daughter for this long. Does she hate me that much?''
"Oh Clara, do we need to go through this again?" Nana spoke softly. Her exhaustion could not be masqueraded. She was the only family Clara ever knew. She loved this woman with all her heart, but it was obvious that she might be losing her soon. Her frailty grew by the day. It hurt Clara to see her this way. Growing up, she was her pillar of strength. Now it seemed the other way round.
Having a reason to change the subject and not wanting to annoy or exhaust her grandma the more, Clara quickly asked, "Nana have you been taking your drugs as prescribed?" Nana quickly gave her that 'I know better' look. "Surely I won't be around to ensure you take them so promise me now that you'll be good and take them as Dr. Francis told you to." Clara pressed on.
I'll be fine dear. I promise to take them as prescribed''. Nana quickly replied. It was hard to convince Clara that it was time to go and live with her mother. Clara had found a thousand reasons not to go. She could see the disdain for her mum in her eyes when she refused the idea.
"I'm not leaving you Nana. You were there for me all these years. You're the only mother I know now. I'm not leaving you now that you need me the most. Who's going to care for you when I'm not here?'' With that she wandered off to her room and slammed the door. They rarely had fights. Thinking back, she realized that was their first heated argument. Clara was a good girl.
''This is the name you should ask for,'' Nana carried on giving her a piece of paper. The address had already been given to her a day before. She did not want Clara to change her mind at this point. It had not been easy convincing her.
''Juliet Sherps? Did she change her name or what? I thought you said her name was Vivian.
Nana did not know where to start from. ''Yes, I heard she later changed her name from Vivian after she got married, but she never told me her new name. I was instructed by her to always send every correspondence to the address only.'' Guess she did not want me shipping her daughter off to her one day without her permission. Nana thought to herself sadly.
''Do I get to see a photo of her at least? Oh! Yes, I remember. All got lost in a fire.' Clara always found it easier referring to her mother as 'her'.
"I packed you some lunch. It's on the counter. The train will be leaving by five past nine this morning. Hurry, or you'll miss it." That said, Nana hurriedly left and shut the door behind her. She wasn't sure her heart could take the emptiness growing inside of her. Clara had been her everything these past fourteen years. She did not want her to see her cry. If not, she might change her mind.
As Clara walked out into the garden, she turned back to look at the house that she had called home these past years of her life. Last month she turned twenty-one but felt like she was older. She had passed through so much hurt and pain. All thanks to her grandma for rescuing her from that dreadful place. She looked up abruptly and caught her grandma looking down at her from her bedroom window. She was so sure she saw tears dripping down Nana's cheeks. ''I'll be back for you soon grandma'', she whispered to herself and walked further down the garden into the street.
On the bus ride to the train station, Clara began recalling all the discussions she and Nana had concerning her mother.
"'What does she look like? Is she pretty, Nana?" She had asked Nana one cold winter evening.
"Who?" Nana had retorted absent-mindedly.
''She.'' Clara was very careful not to use the word mother.
''Yes dear. She was very pretty as at the last time I saw her.'' Nana responded after realizing who she was referring to.
''I bet we don't have anything in common,'' Clara went on. ''Maybe I was not good enough for her. That was why she left me."
Her grandma, who had been busy kneading the barter, turned around abruptly and walked towards her granddaughter. Giving her that rare stern look that always eventually softened into a smile, she said, "Clara, you are the most beautiful young lady I have ever known. I don't want to ever hear you say that you are not good enough for Vivian, your mum, or anybody for that matter.''
She had said it like she meant it but Clara knew that it was just to make her feel better. Asides her grandmother, who else wanted her? No one. Not at that dreadful place and later not at school.
At school, she remembered all the stares, from her classmates to her teachers. She always imagined what was going through their minds. Plain old Clara. Yes, as far as she could remember, she was always the oldest in every class she found herself in. She had missed seven years of the educational system and only had the opportunity to go to school when Nana came for her.
She had no friends. She only agreed to keep going to school because she loved learning.
And today, even at twenty-one years, those insecurities still keep growing day by day.
She was also sure no one wanted her except Nana. Not even the woman who brought her into this world.
That word 'mother' only belonged to Nana. She wasn't going to allow anyone take that title away from her. It was she who understood a little of what she had been through. It was she who had stayed by her bedside when she had those nightmares and cried out at night, and it was she who rescued her from that dreadful place called an 'orphanage'.