sleep t

re again on the floor, bleeding out, Diane's silhouette

meant to shine b

re was a finality to it. A hatred that only festered when

e did

not dead

n twenty-fi

wenty

- breathing, blinking, aching - in the body of my younger sel

n patterns on the peeling white paint of the wall. For a moment, I just stared. The sunrise felt

was

when life hands y

ve an answe

ot out

didn't want to scare re

a faded pink notebook with a unicorn sticker on the corner. Diane always teased me about it

re betrayal. Before

ribbles and poems written in the haze of

ed slightly as I

y... I star

Bucke

ves you a do-over,

, strangers, drinks, dancing until my fe

compromise. No shared plates. J

And actually get my

he kind that screams

ntaneous even if it's j

to say "no" w

ne who makes

f for all the th

About Diane. About

hat I really wan

writing, I sat b

ed me, not weighed me down. Like each ite

spering under my breath like I

ht me back... you're proba

lls didn't speak. But something in my chest stirred ...... a quie

just survive. I'll enjoy every moment I sp

ess. But I had let fear steer me too many

was so desperate to be loved, I made mys

. I would b

't pretend I was

g that list, I wa

tion. That maybe I'd wake up back on the floor in a pool of bl

scar w

below my collarbone. A memory written

idn't rush

table, like stepping into shoes you haven't worn

list that small act of

ed to star

eady decided what came first

pa

ked, how I spoke, how much attention I got. She always found reasons to canc

tecting me. She was afraid of what would happen if I

ed of who I

ally unde

elt different. I wasn't the same girl who used to seek her approval. I wasn't

o

ne. She died on

was born

l sc

iguring

e, none

ain and traced the fir

o a

mp

si

voluti

wasn't ready to walk into the world just yet not before

ould go

even t

enough

-

a glass of water. My hands were steadier now. My heartbeat no lo

tered, tossing her heels aside and complain

her,

w she was a mu

'd seen the darke

as no longer the gi

d into her phone. The way she checked her lipstick in the mirror.

ng strange about me,

t say anyth

dn't.

igate this new existence. What to chan

at evening and aske

odd

i

t needed s

The same way she used to accept my

t this

asn't shrin

lear

nni

omi

-

my bed with the list in my lap again. I re-rea

permission t

to ask if it w

my space even if I had to

brought m

for me to repe

I could rewri