Holt

e boy I loved, I wasn't a person anymore. I was a problem to be solved. An obl

air after we won the state debate championship. Him carving our initials into the old oak tree behi

orse, it was a truth t

e door creaked open. Joshua stood there, silhouetted against the dim light. His face was pale, a

oice thick with a guilt that

way before his fingers could make contact. The recoil was instinctive, a ref

g. "I'll make it up to you. I swear. After you're better, we

talking about a future that no longer existed, a plan that had been torn to shreds by a ghost with h

neat and tidy plan we'd made. And now that the p

e blank wall opposite my bed, my he

nd. He brought me magazines I didn't read and hospital food I couldn't stomach. He sat by my bedsi

in the corner of the room, a shimmer in the air only Joshua co

um. "She's alone in that big, empty house. Her

iss back, his knuckles white as

counter smoothly. "She's sleeping. Amelia is having a pa

der the thin blanket, listening to the battle

errand." He' d return hours later, smelling faintly of a cheap floral perfume

oon. He' d promised to be back to help me with my first

sn't from him. It was from the same un

itchen, patiently explaining a financial aid form to her and her mother, Dott

g his arm. "With all the medical bills from Ameli

ed up below the video. A

. All of them. He said it was the least

y ribs were cracking. All our shared secrets, our private language, our history-it was all being repurpose

eo wasn

. "Clara is so lucky to have you," she said, her voice lace

voice distant. "She's independent. She doesn't need me the way..." He

sn' t n

on being his partner, his equal. It had never occurred to me that my strength was

acceptance and my straig

was better. He was choosing her because she was weaker. She made him feel like a her

he bruise on his jaw now a sickly yellow. "I'm sorry about yesterday,

card. "For any expenses," h

p substitute for the loyalty and love

hall. Amelia, looking fragile and wan, supported

celebrate you getting out," Future Joshu

. It was a test. And like all the others, he failed it.

really did. He pulled out my chair. He ordered my favorite appetiz

said softly from across the table, a

now she prefers the shrimp cocktail. And she can't

ustered. "Right.

e had never forgotte

"Here," he said, his voice laced with smug superiority. "I made you a list. Everything she likes, everything she's allergic to

ing her mouth. "You

is cold eyes softening as he looke

otebook, his hand frozen ab

in, full of silly things like "hates pickles" and "loves the smell of old books." He' d kept it in his wallet

tangible symbol of my replacement. All the years I had spent building a life with him, m

ing on his lips. "You'll learn it all. You'll spend years memorizing every detail of he

the notebook shut. "That

s were on t